


Of All the Constellations

by badwolfmonica



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 11:11:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2307518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badwolfmonica/pseuds/badwolfmonica
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because when this is all over, we'll be nothing but stardust. Eventually a series of short stories and one-shots. Warning will be at the top of the chapter for explicit content.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Inspired by elfgirl931's OTP post. 

_Pairing: Thane/f!Shepard_

* * *

 

This is for the best, Thane tells himself.

He stands outside Shepard's cabin listening to the drive core hum, letting the heartbeat of the ship anchor him. He breathes once, then twice. He holds the third breath as if he's taking aim with his Mantis—lining up the perfect shot before pulling the trigger—and releases it slow and steady as his fingers swipe across the keypad and the doors open. Sadness coils in his chest, but he must remind himself of their victory. He must remind himself that they are both still alive and that is enough cause for rejoice.

Shepard envelopes him in a warm embrace and her scent fills him until his joy nearly spills over, but he denies her when she takes his face in her hands and leans in. To do this pains him, but he cannot give himself to her now because she will consume him like a tempestuous sea and he would gladly fall to her depths.

"Siha." The word drips from his lips like honey, but his heart is heavy and he feels as if it will spill from his chest. Thane takes both of her hands in his before leading her to the bed. She sits, and he kneels before her.

_Eyebrows knit with worry. Her blue eyes search for answers. She is confused._

"We will be arriving at the Citadel soon and there is something important I wish to discuss." He looks up at her and presses her hands to his chest, basking in the suppleness of her skin. "I have enjoyed our time together greatly."

"Every moment," she smiles, her thumb caressing his collarbone.

"I… find it difficult to accurately express how much you mean to me." He pauses to wrap one arm around her waist, committing the feel of her heat to memory. "I wish to tell you how I crave your presence. My longing for you has grown so deep in my bones that I feel as if one moment without you will cause them to shatter. When I look into your eyes I see not deep oceans but vast galaxies, and it is then that I know how fortunate—how blessed—I truly am. And yet, these words are still not enough."

_I bring my hand to her cheek. A shaky breath. Trembling fingers. She knows something is wrong. "Thane?"_

"I have tried many times to find the proper words to describe how undeserving I am—of your warmth, your touch… your heart. You have given me all of you, and I have nothing to offer in return but what is left of me. I love you, siha," he sighs, "but I cannot remain by your side."

Shepard does not protest, and Thane is taken aback when her lips curve into a hesitant smile. "Kolyat," she breathes, her voice unsteady. She tries to fight against it—as is her nature—but the sorrow flows as freely from her eyes as it does from his own.

"You have given me another chance with my son, Shepard. Another chance to be a father." The words are gravel in his throat, rough and cracked. "And with my limited time, I shall not waste that opportunity."

_She trembles. Pain washes over me like the waves of the Encompassing and I hold her, cherishing the way her body fits mine_

"I'll miss you," she cries into his shoulder as Joker alerts them of their arrival. Five minutes until docking. "That night," the words rush from her mouth as their time together slips away, "That night we spent together will forever be the most important night of my life."

The memory floods back to him, clear and unrelenting.  _"Thane, be alive with me tonight."_

Electricity traveled down his spine when he saw her in her entirety. The soft pink of her lips and smooth bronze of her skin. The way she arched beneath him as she allowed him passage. He marveled at the warmth of her, the pleasure he lost himself in, and the gasps of euphoria that helped him find his way back to her.

Thane pulls from her slightly, resting his forehead on hers. His hands grace the sides of her face and fresh tears roll down his cheeks because just like him, she will ache while they are apart and he does not know when he will be able to hold her again, to feel her flesh against his own.

"I will visit you as often as I possibly can," he tells her, looking straight into her eyes. "And I will write to you regularly."

The final grain of sand in their hourglass falls. The ship eases into the docking bay and Thane finds himself wishing he had more time to hold her, to kiss her, to comfort her, to tell her how he loves her and can't stand the thought of being without her. But if he is to leave, he must leave now.

_Her mouth crashes onto mine, fierce and desperate. "I love you," she cries as our lips meet again. "I love you." And again. "I love you." And again. "I love you."_

It takes all of his willpower to tear away from her and whisper his goodbye. He slips out of his jacket and drapes it across her shoulders before leaving her with one last lingering kiss.

"I shall see you soon, siha."


	2. Chapter 2

Inspired by elfgirl931's OTP post. 

_Pairing: Kaidan/f!Shepard_

* * *

 

Kaidan wakes with a start.

His hands tremble as he wipes the cold sweat off his brow, desperately trying to even his breaths.  _It was just a stupid nightmare,_  he tells himself, _it wasn't even real_. The heels of his palms dig into his eye sockets, trying to calm the throbbing ache that pounds against his skull as fiercely as his heart beats in his chest, but it isn't helping. His doubt grows with each throb, feeding his paranoia until that's all that's left. Lying down isn't helping. Massaging his temples isn't helping.  _Nothing_  is helping and he feels so damn restless.

And before he can stop himself, Kaidan is punching in the code for the Captain's cabin.  _This is fucking ridiculous_. He knows she's going to be in there. He knows that when that door slides open she'll be curled up in bed with her data pad, snoring like a rabid varren, but he just needs to see her; he just needs to  _make sure_.

Shepard is awake, data pad in one hand and hot mug in the other, sitting at the edge of her bed. Her eyebrows raise in surprise and she lays everything down on her night stand. "Kaidan? Is everything alright?"

Kaidan feels like a scared kid running from the monsters under his bed, but that doesn't stop him from rushing to her, scooping her up in his arms and clenching the white cotton of her shirt— _his_  shirt that he left here last week—in his fists like if he were to let go, she'd fade to nothing more than dust among the stars. Shepard, hesitant at first, relaxes into him. He relishes the warmth on his neck when she sighs, the comfort of her fingertips when they trail across his skull, the way her body melts into his own. This is what he fights for each day. This is what he can't stand to lose; not  _again_.

Shepard pulls away slightly, but Kaidan's arms are practically bolted around her and she can't get very far. She holds his face in her hands, thumbs gently anchoring his cheeks, as he presses his forehead to hers. His migraine is unrelenting and it takes every ounce of will he has to not fall to his knees with the agony of it, but he needs this—to drink it in until he's content because this isn't some fear that haunts him in his sleep. This—his arms wrapped around her in a rib-crushing hug, the smell of her shampoo on his shirt—is reality.

"Kaidan, talk to me." Her voice is soft silk whispering across his frayed nerves. Her eyes find his; pools of amber meeting warm whiskey.

He waits a moment, letting his hands roam her back until he's able to map out every dip and curve by memory. "I love you, Shepard."

She smiles and he remembers how much he loves the way she scrunches her nose and laughs, "I love you too, but you're really giving me this 'we-only-have-ten-minutes-to-live' kind of vibe, and I'd really like to save the galaxy first. You don't want all my efforts to go to waste now, do you?"

Kaidan can't help the laughter bubbling in his chest. "No, no. I just…" He trails off, hoping she can't read minds because he can't find the right way to say  _I just wanted to make sure you're still here, still real,_ without feeling like a complete idiot.

Sharp pains assault his right temple and he brings his hand up as if it'll simply push the pain away. Shepard frowns and runs her hands through his hair, drawing small circles at the base of his skull. "You know what?"

A sigh passes Kaidan's lips before he brings her hand to his mouth and his chapped lips leave two tender kisses on her calloused palm. "Hmm?"

"Maybe you should bunk here tonight." Shepard shrugs and slips her arms around his waist. "Your side of the bed is getting a little cold."

The edges of his mouth curl upwards in the slightest, barely coaxing out his dimples, because  _this_  is real and  _screw nightmares_  and  _screw being alone_. "I'd like that."


	3. Chapter 3

**Prompt:**  "He pretended not to notice."

_Pairing: Kaidan/f!Shepard_

* * *

For a minute, it feels like nothing's changed.

Mission debriefings, discussing crew status, watching her six—it's like muscle memory for Kaidan and he realizes how much he misses working with her. He tells himself that what happened on Horizon is history—that Shepard's here now—but the thought nags at him like a lingering migraine. He confronts her, and the accusations flow from his mouth like water from a faucet. She takes those allegations and hurls them right back; a curveball that nearly knocks him senseless.

"You of all people should know what I'm about, Kaidan. Please… trust me."

So he tries.

And when Liara joins them it's all so  _familiar_ , like Kaidan's seeing the big picture again. It's falling together bit by bit and he wants to finish it—wants to put that last piece where it belongs—but when he looks at Shepard, suddenly it doesn't look like it'll fit and the whole damn puzzle's ruined. He has to remind himself that this isn't the time or the place to be thinking about this, so it's back to business. He burns through thermal clips twice as fast as the other two and overloads mechs until they're nothing but shuddering pieces of magnetic metal on the floor. All that matters right now is completing this mission.

But when Kaidan sees what's under that Cerberus agent's helmet—

"Is this what they did to you?"

It all hits home. Kaidan's pointing fingers again, his image of Shepard— _his_ Shepard—is so warped and mangled that all he can see when he looks at her is a husk of who she used to be. The words are angry, not reasonable, and he denies her the opportunity to explain anything because he knows he shouldn't believe her, but the pounding in his chest when their eyes meet pleads otherwise. He pretends not to notice the slight quiver in her bottom lip when he avoids her approach. Guilt plucks at his heart strings.

This wouldn't hurt so badly if he didn't still love her so much.


End file.
